Hadithernes crème de la crème

Her er et udvalg af sahih, altså autentiske, hadither, der beretter om episoder fra Muhammeds liv. Islam betragter ham som det største menneske, der nogensinde har levet, og det var han ikke uenig i: Han kaldte sig selv herre over Adams børn og tilføjede beskedent, at han ikke pralede (Sahih Muslim 2278; Jami' at-Tirmidhi 3615).

Haditherne gengiver også hans lære, og islams guru overlod intet til tilfældighederne, heller ikke de mest intime spørgsmål. Hvordan skal man tørre sig efter at have forrettet sin nødtørft? Med sten, mindst tre, og aldrig med højre hånd (Sahih Muslim 262). I et ulige antal (Sahih al-Bukhari 162). Aldrig med knogler eller møg, som er føde for jinnerne (Sahih al-Bukhari 3860). Hans samtids polyteister havde bemærket det:

»Jeres apostel lærer jer om alt, selv om ekskrementer.«— Bemærkning til Salman al-Farsi, der svarede »Ja« (Sahih Muslim 262)

Det var på tide. Med kun 86 milliarder neuroner kunne menneskeheden aldrig selv have udtænkt en så kompliceret procedure. Muslimer kalder tiden før islam for Jahiliyya, uvidenhedens tidsalder. Nu ved vi, hvad man var uvidende om.

Jesus talte kun om latrinen for at sige, at det, der havner der, ikke gør nogen uren: Det, der gør et menneske urent, kommer ud af hjertet (Markus 7,18-23). Derefter vendte han tilbage til at prædike næstekærlighed. Med al respekt for Guds søn er der mere i livet end kærlighed. Seks århundreder senere bragte Allah og hans sendebud samtalen tilbage til de praktiske ting. Muhammed er stadig langt den mest pragmatiske profet, Abrahams Gud nogensinde har sendt.

Følg disse hadither, og dit liv kan meget vel ændre sig: Muhammed var en formidabel livscoach. Men forvent ikke spiritualitet. Du vil finde jordnære instrukser og trusler, husets specialitet. Også her er kontrasten til Jesus total. Kunne Muhammed være Antikrist? Han ville være en overbevisende kandidat. Ifølge Første Johannesbrev er antikrist den, der »fornægter Faderen og Sønnen« (1 Joh 2,22), og Allah »har ikke avlet og er ikke avlet« (Koranen 112:3). Allerede i det 8. århundrede kaldte Johannes af Damaskus islam »en forløber for Antikrist«.

Originalen til hver hadith kan kontrolleres på sunnah.com.

97 haditherSide 1 af 5
  • Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "By Him in Whose Hands my life is, none of you will have faith till he loves me more than his father and his children."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 14 #MuhammadIsHyperNarcissistic#UsingTheDivineToGainPowerAClassicGuruTrick
  • Narrated Ibn 'Umar

    Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said: "I have been ordered (by Allah) to fight against the people until they testify that none has the right to be worshipped but Allah and that Muhammad is Allah's Messenger (ﷺ), and offer the prayers perfectly and give the obligatory charity, so if they perform that, then they save their lives and property from me except for Islamic laws and then their reckoning (accounts) will be done by Allah."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 25 #IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding
  • Narrated Ibn 'Abbas

    The Prophet (ﷺ) said: "I was shown the Hell-fire and that the majority of its dwellers were women who were ungrateful." It was asked, "Do they disbelieve in Allah?" (or are they ungrateful to Allah?) He replied, "They are ungrateful to their husbands and are ungrateful for the favors and the good (charitable deeds) done to them. If you have always been good (benevolent) to one of them and then she sees something in you (not of her liking), she will say, 'I have never received any good from you."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 29 #ExtremeMisogyny#SandrineRousseauWakeUp
  • Narrated 'Ubaidullah bin `Abdullah

    Ibn `Abbas said, "When the ailment of the Prophet (ﷺ) became worse, he said, 'Bring for me (writing) paper and I will write for you a statement after which you will not go astray.' But `Umar said, 'The Prophet is seriously ill, and we have got Allah's Book with us and that is sufficient for us.' But the companions of the Prophet (ﷺ) differed about this and there was a hue and cry. On that the Prophet (ﷺ) said to them, 'Go away (and leave me alone). It is not right that you should quarrel in front of me." Ibn `Abbas came out saying, "It was most unfortunate (a great disaster) that Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) was prevented from writing that statement for them because of their disagreement and noise.

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 114 #UmarIsAfraidOfBeingOustedFromTheSuccession
  • Narrated `Abdullah bin `Umar

    Once the Prophet (ﷺ) led us in the `Isha' prayer during the last days of his life and after finishing it (the prayer) (with Taslim) he said: "Do you realize (the importance of) this night? Nobody present on the surface of the earth tonight will be living after the completion of one hundred years from this night."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 116 #Kaamelott-esque#MontyPythonStyle
  • Narrated Abu Aiyub Al-Ansari

    Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "If anyone of you goes to an open space for answering the call of nature he should neither face nor turn his back towards the Qibla; he should either face the east or the west."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 144 #MontyPythonStyle#Kaamelott-esque
  • Narrated `Aisha

    The Prophet (ﷺ) said to his wives, "You are allowed to go out to answer the call of nature."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 147 #ThankYouMaster#MagnanimousGuy
  • Narrated `Abdullah bin `Umar

    “I went up to the roof of Hafsa's house for some job and I saw Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) answering the call of nature facing Sham (Syria, Jordan, Palestine and Lebanon regarded as one country) with his back towards the Qibla.”

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 148 #DoAsISayNotAsIDo#ThanksForTheInfo#GoodToKnow#ValuableInformation
  • Narrated Anas bin Malik

    Whenever Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) went to answer the call of nature, I along with another boy used to accompany him with a tumbler full of water. (Hisham commented, "So that he might wash his private parts with it.")

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 150 #ThanksForTheInfo#GoodToKnow#ValuableInformation
  • Narrated Abu Huraira

    Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "A person is considered in prayer as long as he is waiting for the prayer in the mosque as long as he does not do Hadath." A non-Arab man asked, "O Abu Huraira! What is Hadath?" I replied, "It is the passing of wind (from the anus) (that is one of the types of Hadath).

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 176 #MontyPythonStyle#Kaamelott-esque#MuhammadIsTalkingNonsenseToHisFollowers
  • Narrated Jabir bin `Abdullah

    “The Prophet (ﷺ) used to pour water three times on his head.”

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 255 #ThanksForTheInfo#GoodToKnow#ValuableInformation
  • Narrated Abu Ja`far

    Jabir bin `Abdullah said to me, "Your cousin (Hasan bin Muhammad bin Al-Hanafiya) came to me and asked about the bath of Janaba. I replied, 'The Prophet (ﷺ) uses to take three handfuls of water, pour them on his head and then pour more water over his body.' Al-Hasan said to me, 'I am a hairy man.' I replied, 'The Prophet (ﷺ) had more hair than you'. "

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 256 #ThanksForTheInfo#GoodToKnow#ValuableInformation
  • Narrated Abu Huraira

    The Prophet (ﷺ) said, 'The (people of) Bani Israel used to take bath naked (all together) looking at each other. The Prophet (ﷺ) Moses used to take a bath alone. They said, 'By Allah! Nothing prevents Moses from taking a bath with us except that he has a scrotal hernia.' So once Moses went out to take a bath and put his clothes over a stone and then that stone ran away with his clothes. Moses followed that stone saying, "My clothes, O stone! My clothes, O stone! till the people of Bani Israel saw him and said, "By Allah, Moses has got no defect in his body. Moses took his clothes and began to beat the stone." Abu Huraira added, "By Allah! There are still six or seven marks present on the stone from that excessive beating."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 278 #TakeMeForAFool#GiveMeAFuckingBreak
  • Narrated Abu Huraira

    The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "When a man sits in between the four parts of a woman and did the sexual intercourse with her, bath becomes compulsory."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 291 #ThanksForTheInfo#GoodToKnow#ValuableInformation
  • Narrated Abu Sa`id Al-Khudri

    Once Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) went out to the Musalla (to offer the prayer) of `Id-al-Adha or Al-Fitr prayer. Then he passed by the women and said, "O women! Give alms, as I have seen that the majority of the dwellers of Hell-fire were you (women)." They asked, "Why is it so, O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)?" He replied, "You curse frequently and are ungrateful to your husbands. I have not seen anyone more deficient in intelligence and religion than you. A cautious sensible man could be led astray by some of you." The women asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! What is deficient in our intelligence and religion?" He said, "Is not the evidence of two women equal to the witness of one man?" They replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her intelligence. Isn't it true that a woman can neither pray nor fast during her menses?" The women replied in the affirmative. He said, "This is the deficiency in her religion."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 304 #ExtremeMisogyny#SandrineRousseauWakeUp
  • Narrated Abu Huraira

    "The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Last night a big demon (afreet) from the Jinns came to me and wanted to interrupt my prayers (or said something similar) but Allah enabled me to overpower him. I wanted to fasten him to one of the pillars of the mosque so that all of you could See him in the morning but I remembered the statement of my brother Solomon (as stated in Quran): My Lord! Forgive me and bestow on me a kingdom such as shall not belong to anybody after me (38.35)." The sub narrator Rauh said, "He (the demon) was dismissed humiliated."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 461 #TakeMeForAFool#GiveMeAFuckingBreak
  • Narrated `Aisha

    The things which annul the prayers were mentioned before me. They said, "Prayer is annulled by a dog, a donkey and a woman (if they pass in front of the praying people)." I said, "You have made us (i.e. women) dogs. I saw the Prophet (ﷺ) praying while I used to lie in my bed between him and the Qibla. Whenever I was in need of something, I would slip away. for I disliked to face him."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 511 #ExtremeMisogyny#SandrineRousseauSaveUs
  • Narrated Abu Huraira

    Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) said, "Any person who takes a bath on Friday like the bath of Janaba and then goes for the prayer (in the first hour i.e. early), it is as if he had sacrificed a camel (in Allah's cause); and whoever goes in the second hour it is as if he had sacrificed a cow; and whoever goes in the third hour, then it is as if he had sacrificed a horned ram; and if one goes in the fourth hour, then it is as if he had sacrificed a hen; and whoever goes in the fifth hour then it is as if he had offered an egg. When the Imam comes out (i.e. starts delivering the Khutba), the angels present themselves to listen to the Khutba."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 881 #TakeMeForAFool#AndMyAssIsMadeOfChicken
  • Narrated Salman Al-Farsi

    Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) (p.b.u.h) said, "Anyone who takes a bath on Friday and cleans himself as much as he can and puts oil (on his hair) or scents himself; and then proceeds for the prayer and does not force his way between two persons (assembled in the mosque for the Friday prayer), and prays as much as is written for him and remains quiet when the Imam delivers the Khutba, all his sins in between the present and the last Friday will be forgiven."

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 910 #StopSmoking#CheapSpirituality
  • Narrated Anas bin Malik

    Once in the lifetime of the Prophet (p.b.u.h) the people were afflicted with drought (famine). While the Prophet (ﷺ) was delivering the Khutba on a Friday, a Bedouin stood up and said, "O, Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! Our possessions are being destroyed and the children are hungry; Please invoke Allah (for rain)". So the Prophet (ﷺ) raised his hands. At that time there was not a trace of cloud in the sky. By Him in Whose Hands my soul is as soon as he lowered his hands, clouds gathered like mountains, and before he got down from the pulpit, I saw the rain falling on the beard of the Prophet. It rained that day, the next day, the third day, the fourth day till the next Friday. The same Bedouin or another man stood up and said, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! The houses have collapsed, our possessions and livestock have been drowned; Please invoke Allah (to protect us)". So the Prophet (ﷺ) raised both his hands and said, "O Allah! Round about us and not on us". So, in whatever direction he pointed with his hands, the clouds dispersed and cleared away, and Medina's (sky) became clear as a hole in between the clouds. The valley of Qanat remained flooded, for one month, none came from outside but talked about the abundant rain.

    Hadith Sahih al-Bukhari 933 #MuhammadTheMerlinOfTheMiddleEast#Kaamelott-esque#MontyPythonStyle#YouHaveToBePreciseWithAllah
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