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Vers, spesielt beroligende, gjennomsyret av kjærlighet, toleranse, fred, intelligens og åndelig opphøyelse

Grunnleggerne av denne nyversjonen av den abrahamittiske sagaen forsto én ting: det kjødelige og det materielle selger bedre enn det åndelige. Derav et paradis langt bedre utstyrt enn det kristne, der de oppstandne «verken gifter seg eller blir giftet bort» (Matteus 22,30). Vanskelig å selge. Den islamske versjonen tilbyr elver av vin (47:15) og fremfor alt jomfruer:

«I begge hagene vil det være jomfruer med blyge blikk, som verken menneske eller jinn har rørt før.»
Koranen 55:56

Koranen oppgir ikke noe tall: de berømte 72 jomfruene kommer fra en hadith, som en bonus for martyrer (Jami' at-Tirmidhi 1663). En fristende utsikt, det innrømmer jeg, selv om jeg personlig foretrekker erfarne kvinner. Konkurransen er hard på markedet for livet etter døden, så det er ingen grunn til å spare på løftene. Ingen kunde har tross alt noen gang kommet tilbake og krevd pengene tilbake.

I motsetning til de andre abrahamittiske religionene nøyer ikke islam seg med å utnytte våre eksistensielle angster: den spiller også på hormonene våre. Hormonene til fullverdige mennesker, vel å merke. Ikke hormonene til deres underordnede, kvinnene, som ifølge Profeten utgjør flertallet av helvetes beboere (Sahih al-Bukhari 29).

Intelligensen deres er også mangelfull, og på dette punktet er Allah og Hans sendebud enige. Allah krever to kvinner i stedet for ett mannlig vitne, i tilfelle den ene av dem glemmer (2:282), og beskriver dem som «ikke slagkraftige i tvister» (43:18). Profeten trekker konklusjonen: «Dette er mangelen ved hennes intelligens» (Sahih al-Bukhari 304). Og av alle prøvelsene han etterlot seg, er ingen «hardere for menn enn kvinner» (Sahih al-Bukhari 5096).

Jeg anbefaler å lese disse versene i flere omganger, fordelt over en ganske lang periode. Å svelge så mye guddommelig visdom og poesi på én gang kan være farlig: hjernen din overlever kanskje ikke sjokket.

Dristige islamkritikere vil innvende at mange andre slående vers fortjente en plass her. Utvilsomt. Men målet er ikke å skrive av hele Koranen: denne antologien av instrukser fra Skaperen av alle ting er krydret og omfangsrik nok som den er. Den vil vokse med tiden.

For å spare deg tid har jeg satt nøkkelpassasjene i hvert vers i fet skrift.

Den engelske oversettelsen av betydningen av koranversene nedenfor er utført av dr. Mustafa Khattab. Du finner andre oversettelser av versene som presenteres nedenfor, på quran.com.

Det bør bemerkes at enkelte forkjempere for Allah hevder at alle oversettelser endrer versenes betydning dyptgående. Ifølge flere arabisktalende eks-muslimer er oversettelsene generelt rensket og forskjønnet sammenlignet med den arabiske originalversjonen. Originalversjonen er, ser det ut til, ofte mørkere enn oversettelsene.

Nok prat: la oss begynne.

80 versSide 4 av 4
  • And remember, O Prophet, when you said to the one for whom Allah has done a favour and you too have done a favour, “Keep your wife and fear Allah,” while concealing within yourself what Allah was going to reveal. And so you were considering the people, whereas Allah was more worthy of your consideration. So when Zaid totally lost interest in keeping his wife, We gave her to you in marriage, so that there would be no blame on the believers for marrying the ex-wives of their adopted sons after their divorce. And Allah’s command is totally binding.

    Sura 33, vers 37 #ThisVerseIsVeryPracticalForTheGuru#LongLivePolygyny#DownWithPolyandry
  • “O Prophet! We have made lawful for you your wives to whom you have paid their full dowries as well as those bondwomen in your possession, whom Allah has granted you. And you are allowed to marry the daughters of your paternal uncles and aunts, and the daughters of your maternal uncles and aunts, who have emigrated like you. Also allowed for marriage is a believing woman who offers herself to the Prophet without dowry if he is interested in marrying her—this is exclusively for you, not for the rest of the believers. We know well what rulings We have ordained for the believers in relation to their wives and those bondwomen in their possession. As such, there would be no blame on you. And Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

    Sura 33, vers 50 #AVerseThatComesAtTheRightTime#AllahIsAProudSlaver#AllahSpoilsHisChampion#RaelPlagiarizedMomo#TheVerseThatAuthorizesHaremsForMomoAndTheCaliphs
  • “It is not lawful for you O Prophet to marry more women after this, nor can you replace any of your present wives with another, even if her beauty may attract you—except those bondwomen in your possession. And Allah is ever Watchful over all things.”

    Sura 33, vers 52 #AllahIsASlaver
  • “O believers! Do not enter the homes of the Prophet without permission and if invited for a meal, do not come too early and linger until the meal is ready. But if you are invited, then enter on time. Once you have eaten, then go on your way, and do not stay for casual talk. Such behaviour is truly annoying to the Prophet, yet he is too shy to ask you to leave. But Allah is never shy of the truth. And when you believers ask his wives for something, ask them from behind a barrier. This is purer for your hearts and theirs. And it is not right for you to annoy the Messenger of Allah, nor ever marry his wives after him. This would certainly be a major offence in the sight of Allah.”

    Sura 33, vers 53 #MuhammadIsAVeryShyMan#TheTyrannyOfMaleSexHormones#TestosteroneRules#AllahReducesMaleFemaleRelationshipsToSexualAttraction
  • “There is no blame on the Prophet’s wives if they appear unveiled before their fathers, their sons, their brothers, their brothers’ sons, their sisters’ sons, their fellow Muslim women, and those bondspeople in their possession. And be mindful of Allah O wives of the Prophet! Surely Allah is a Witness over all things.”

    Sura 33, vers 55 #AllahIsASlaver
  • “O Prophet! Ask your wives, daughters, and believing women to draw their cloaks over their bodies. In this way it is more likely that they will be recognized as virtuous and not be harassed. And Allah is All-Forgiving, Most Merciful.”

    Sura 33, vers 59 #SandrineRousseauSaveUs#TheTyrannyOfMaleSexHormones#TestosteroneRules
  • “So We will certainly make the disbelievers taste a severe punishment, and We will surely repay them according to the worst of their deeds. That is the reward of Allah’s enemies: the Fire, which will be their eternal home—a fitting reward for their denial of Our revelations.”

    Sura 41, vers 27–28 #AllahIsATorturer#AllahIsATyrant#AllahIsACriminal#AllahIsHumanInTheWorstPossibleWay#AllahIsAnythingButDivine#IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding
  • “Do they attribute to Him those (women) who are brought up in fineries and are not commanding in disputes?”

    Sura 43, vers 18 #AllahIsMisogynistic#SandrineRousseauSaveUs
  • “So when you meet the disbelievers in battle, strike their necks until you have thoroughly subdued them, then bind them firmly. Later free them either as an act of grace or by ransom until the war comes to an end. So will it be. Had Allah willed, He Himself could have inflicted punishment on them. But He does this only to test some of you by means of others. And those who are martyred in the cause of Allah, He will never render their deeds void.”

    Sura 47, vers 4 #AllahIsWarlike#AllahProneViolenceAmongHumanBeings#AllahIsUltraViolent#AllahLovesItWhenPeopleSacrificeTheirLivesForHisProject#IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding
  • “Then how horrible will it be when the angels take their souls, beating their faces and backs!”

    Sura 47, vers 27 #WithAllahEvenAngelsAreEvilMurderousAndViolent
  • “And whoever does not believe in Allah and His Messenger, then We surely have prepared for the disbelievers a blazing Fire.”

    Sura 48, vers 13 #AllahIsATorturer#AllahIsATyrant#AllahIsACriminal#AllahIsHumanInTheWorstPossibleWay#AllahIsAnythingButDivine#IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding
  • Say to nomadic Arabs, who stayed behind, “You will be called to fight against a people of great might, who you will fight unless they submit. If you then obey, Allah will grant you a fine reward. But if you turn away as you did before, He will inflict upon you a painful punishment.” There is no blame on the blind, or the disabled, or the sick for staying behind. And whoever obeys Allah and His Messenger will be admitted by Him into Gardens under which rivers flow. But whoever turns away will be subjected by Him to a painful punishment.

    Sura 48, vers 16–17 #AllahIsATorturer#AllahIsATyrant#AllahIsACriminal#AllahIsHumanInTheWorstPossibleWay#AllahIsAnythingButDivine#IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding
  • “And He created the pairs—males and females—from a sperm-drop when it is emitted.”

    Sura 53, vers 45–46 #AllahIsIgnorantAboutBiology#WhatDoesScienceThinkAboutThis
  • “In both Gardens will be maidens of modest gaze, who no human or jinn has ever touched before.”

    Sura 55, vers 56 #ParadiseIsABrothel#Miam#IWantToBecomeAMuslim#AllahForgetWhatISaidYouAreTheBest#ZeusIsNotEvenInYourLeague
  • “You will never find a people who truly believe in Allah and the Last Day loyal to those who defy Allah and His Messenger, even if they were their parents, children, siblings, or extended family. For those believers, Allah has instilled faith in their hearts and strengthened them with a spirit from Him. He will admit them into Gardens under which rivers flow, to stay there forever. Allah is pleased with them and they are pleased with Him. They are the party of Allah. Indeed, Allah’s party is bound to succeed.”

    Sura 58, vers 22 #IslamIsASect#AllahRefusesBrotherhoodBetweenMuslimsAndUnbelievers#IncitementToCommunitarianism#TypicalBehaviorOfASect#IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding
  • You already have an excellent example in Abraham and those with him, when they said to their people, “We totally dissociate ourselves from you and shun whatever idols you worship besides Allah. We reject you. The enmity and hatred that has arisen between us and you will last until you believe in Allah alone.” The only exception is when Abraham said to his father, “I will seek forgiveness for you,” adding, “but I cannot protect you from Allah at all.” The believers prayed, “Our Lord! In You we trust. And to You we always turn. And to You is the final return.

    Sura 60, vers 4 #IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding#NoToleranceForOtherOpinions
  • “As for your women past the age of menstruation, in case you do not know, their waiting period is three months, and those who have not menstruated as well. As for those who are pregnant, their waiting period ends with delivery. And whoever is mindful of Allah, He will make their matters easy for them.”

    Sura 65, vers 4 #AllahAllowsPedophilia
  • “And those who fear the punishment of their Lord—knowing that none should feel secure from their Lord’s punishment—and those who guard their chastity except with their wives or those bondwomen in their possession, for then they are free from blame, but whoever seeks beyond that are the transgressors.”

    Sura 70, vers 27–31 #Liberticide#AllahIsASlaver#AllahGovernsWithTheHeinousWeaponOfFear
  • “And your fellow man is not insane. And he did see that angel on the clear horizon, and he does not withhold what is revealed to him of the unseen. And this Quran is not the word of an outcast devil.”

    Sura 81, vers 22–25 #DontTakeMeForAnIdiot#WhatAreYouSmoking#AndMyAssIsARoastChicken#TwoBitSpirituality
  • “Indeed, those who disbelieve from the People of the Book and the polytheists will be in the Fire of Hell, to stay there forever. They are the worst of all beings. Indeed, those who believe and do good—they are the best of all beings.”

    Sura 98, vers 6–7 #AllahIsJudeophobic#AllahIsChristianophobic#AllahIsDisbelieverphobic#NoToleranceForOtherOpinions#AllahIsATorturer#AllahIsACriminal#AllahIsFascist#AllahIsTyrannical#IslamicSystemicRacism#IslamicSupremacism#IncitementToHatred#PlevenLawWhereAreYouHiding
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